Grief Reads: Week One Notes/Reflection
Bearing the Unbearable: Love, Loss, and the Heartbreaking Path of Grief by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD
What this book will do, I hope, is to provide a safe space to feel, to be with your understandably broken heart. It will serve as an invitation to stay with the wretched pangs of sorrow, to dwell in the dark night of your own bereaved soul, and to be present with what is—however difficult, however painful.
Bearing the Unbearable, Prologue
How soothing is it to know we are in the presence of a writer who believes our pain, who says that it’s understandable that our hearts are breaking? What gentle medicine in this grief-phobic and death-denying culture!
This is Week One of the Summer Grief Reads series (you can find the schedule and description at the end of this reflection). As we begin this communal read, I’d like to start with some important grief truths:
Whatever grief you are experiencing is the worst grief because it is yours. Outside of this, there is no hierarchy in grief.
Self-compassion is the only way forward in grief; be gentle with whatever is coming up while you read.
There is is no “right way” to grieve and there is no timeline to grief.
Quotes I Loved:
“Choices we make as grievers merit the deference of others.”
This was in a section where mourning for public figures was contrasted with the ways we are often censured for our private acts of mourning: keeping tokens or not, cleaning out rooms or not, taking photos during the funeral or not. There are very few spaces left where there is reverence for grief, where the grieving process is honored, and grief is trusted in whatever form it takes.
“Grief with no fixed expiration date is an inescapable truth of the human condition.”
And I think it says a lot about Western culture in this moment that grievers often feel outcasted and hurried along in their grief. If we can remember this as a cultural failing and not a personal failing, we can often make more room for our grief. To grieve fully is an act of defiance to capitalism, patriarchy, and empire that seek to extract from rather than honor your humanity.
“When others meet us with nonjudging compassion, we experience a sense of belonging that polishes the rough edges of grief…only there, when ready, will we be able to blossom (albeit painfully) into a joy that cohabitates with grief—rather than displacing or replacing it.”
This experience can be rare, but notice it when it’s there. And soak it up in whatever portions you can. Books, songs, and poems have often been this compassionate witness for me. This is exactly why I started Grief Church, to create a space of belonging for our griefs in community. May we all find our way to “a joy that cohabitates with grief.”
Reflection: Please Share Yours!
I’d love to hear how the reading went for you. Please feel free to share in the comments.
What quotes did you love?
What sections or stories stood out to you?
What questions came up as you read?
Grief Reads: Summer Schedule & Description
In winter, we did a communal Grief Reads of Francis Weller’s book The Wild Edge of Sorrow. For summer, our Grief Reads is Bearing the Unbearable by Joanne Cacciatore, PhD. I love that this book is divided into eloquent, bite-sized chapters; it has felt like a very doable daily read. Here’s the gentle structure and intent:
A weekly reading schedule and reflection will be sent out each weekend
You’re invited to comment on these reflections with your insights as well as respond to others. I will be responding regularly to any comments <3
Near the Autumnal Equinox on Sunday 9/21, I’ll host a virtual book chat with time for guided reflection/grief writing practice. Register here.
Weekly Reading Schedule:
Week One (7/14-7/20): Prologue-Chapter 5
Week Two (7/21-7/27): Chapters 6-11
Week Three (7/28-8/3): Chapters 12-17
Week Four (8/4-8/10): Chapters 18-23
Week Five (8/11-8/17): Chapters 24-29
Week Six (8/18-8/24): Chapters 30-35
Week Seven (8/25-8/31): Chapters 36-41
Week Eight (9/1-9/7): Chapters 42-46
Week Nine (9/8-9/14): Chapter 47-Epilogue
Until next week.
In grief & delight,
Claire